Giving An Earful
Honestly. I hate to be negative so early in my E-Diary but waaahhhhh!
The hopelessness has been so palpable lately that it's brought me to being physically unwell. Day in and day out, unrelenting despair. It's not unbearable but it is tough as shit.
When I heard the news I was certain nothing had seriously happened, I just couldn't even imagine good things happening anymore. Something like that truly occurring would genuinely give me hope for the rest of my life, a source of joy to constantly draw on when this all-consuming despair tries to, well, consume. So I immediately knew what happened before they released everything. No harm, no nothing, he does a nazi hype up thing and suddenly everyone is filled with the conviction needed to go to fire guns into a crowd if they see a black, or sufficiently tanned, individual amongst them.
I find that I no longer hope at all though I feel some responsibility to. Sometimes when you donate to certain Palestinian funds you get a little message, it's usually sweet and hopeful in tone. Though my mind and heart are drawing from an empty well, it feels that I still can't be the one to doubt. When I see hope or, sometimes, even when I hear laughter from others- I think that perhaps they're smarter than me and know more. It's more soothing than the truth that they're perhaps more functionally apathetic or just a touch ignorant. To be clear, that's not really an insult so much as it's framing positive behaviours more negatively to close the distance between comparisons between myself and others.
I mean, I do know that beyond any significantly positive traits belying my suffering; it's largely some sort of dysfunction. The well may be empty but the water was tainted anyway, it doesn't really make my horse high enough to brag. Anyways, check out my nice little quote down here. Got this one from the Big N, yeah sometimes he says nice things too. It's a nice sentiment though sorta soaked in his scary, demanding wording- that's his charm, I suppose. I mean, it's actually still a little grim. It's not the greatest uplifting quote, I wouldn't send this to, like, a sad friend or something. But, uh, it's topical at least
Hope, in its stronger forms, is a great deal more powerful stimulans to life than any sort of realized joy can ever be. Man must be sustained in suffering by a hope so high that no conflict with actuality can dash it—so high, indeed, that no fulfilment can satisfy it: a hope reaching out beyond this world.